Latest picture of me. I like my Tomboy face in here.
Well, where should I start? Lately, everything pisses me of especially myself. I can't deal with my mood swings and depressions anymore. They slowly but surely killing me. I'm feeling so weak that I can't get out of bed since a few days now. I just stay in bed sleeping or listening to music because I'm feeling so exhausted of life. It's been a few years now that I'm dealing with my depressions (and these are not just "my life is a bitch-depressions"). Sometimes I have good days but since New Year it's getting worse and worse.
Work is really hard for me. I have to drag myself out of bed every morning and my stomach goes crazy when I think of work. Last week I went to the doctor because since a few days I always had to throw up when I had to go to work. I got some pills for my stomach but it doesn't help that much. It's not really my work that I hate.. it's that fucking company. It's full of wrong people, full of hatred and despair. My colleagues are so full of shit cause they always seems so nice to each other but when they left the room they will talk bad about everyone. I can't stand such people and it's really hurting me. I became an emotional bastard because of those whores!
Quit? No, I can't quit because I'm still in my traineeship. There are just three more months to go and then I will go forever!
I also realized that I've lost all my friends and this is what hurts me the most. I've never was a person with lots of friends but a few years ago I had a small circle of friends and I was so happy with them. Well, some of them moved away in another city and some of them didn't like me anymore (only god knows why~). I only had my best friend left but it seems that she's also drifting away from me. We've been friends for more than 10 years and it hurts so much to let her go but after a while I realized that there's no use to fight for a friendship when the other part isn't interested in it anymore.
I also became really isolated. Okay, I've never been an extrovert person and I've always been shy at first but it became really, really bad! I don't go out anymore and it's so hard for me to find new friends. Nevertheless, I've met a girl I get to know on a German lesbian community (Lesarion) a week ago. I've had lots of fun with her and she said she also enjoyed the evening. She also asked me that day if I wanted to join her and some friend to a club. My head said "Yes, that would be so awesome!" but I was so afraid that her friends didn't like me and that in the end I would be left alone. You know, I hate dancing so I've never been to a club before (I see no reason to go there) and my biggest fear is to be alone in a room full with people I don't know. It happened to me before and it's the most painful feeling for me. I just don't know how to find new friends when I don't go out anymore ~
Because I'm so isolated I don't have the courage to go out in Lolita anymore. I don't have any Lolita friends/acquaintance here and I'm afraid to go out in Lolita alone. It sounds pretty stupid but I'm so afraid of it. Some months ago I didn't give a fuck on stupid comments or strange looks but now.. I just can't bear with it anymore! Next month will be the Hanami and I promised myself that I will wear Lolita - no matter the cost! I decided to wear a simple Gothic coord (I didn't have the chance to wear Illumination Ribbon yet so I think it's a good opportunity). Maybe that day will help me to find the courage again :)
Also, in a few weeks will be my final exams. I'm not that nervous yet but it'll be a hard week for me. Two exams each day (except of Monday) it's really tough.Fortunately, I have holidays till exams are over so I have enough time for learning and to order my thoughts a little bit.
By the way, after my traineeship I'll get a new tattoo.
I'm really sorry for that long text but it felt good to write everything down. Don't worry, the next post will me more interesting and of course with more pictures! :)